Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images
In today's gossip roundup: Justin Bieber tweets that's he's retiring, Miley Cyrus's video causes a stink, and a look at the royal Christmas.
It seems like just yesterday (it was last week[1] ) that we were sure that, though he’d “joked” about it on a radio show, Justin Bieber was not actually retiring. How could he retire? He’s but 19 years old and on top of the world! (Well, at least somewhere near the top of the world. His latest experiment, releasing a single every week for ten weeks, hasn’t really paid off. Quick: Name me the last new Justin Bieber song you heard. Is it “Beauty and the Beat”? That was October of 2012.) But, according to his Twitter feed, he really is calling it quits.
“My beloved beliebers I’m officially retiring” is what he or someone on his staff tweeted out from the official Bieber account on Christmas Eve. It was followed by two more tweets saying vague things about God and “the media” and whatnot.
He ended the three tweets with “IM HERE FOREVER,” which could mean one of two things. Either he is not actually “retiring” in the strictest sense of the word but is rather reinventing somehow, so this is all some sort of marketing ploy to usher in a new era of Bieber. He is only “retiring” his old persona, shedding it like a snake’s skin or a school uniform after graduating from 8th grade. It could mean that. Or, obviously, “IM HERE FOREVER” could confirm what we’ve long feared true, which is that Bieber somehow found the Eternity Crystal while on the troubled South American leg of his world tour and has become what the ancient Inca called an apu, or what the locals call in Quechuan the “hatun kachuran,” meaning “big man,” or god. Bieber has ascended, become an eternal being, and will rule us all from the skies until this planet is nothing more than a memory of dust and then he will sail away on cosmic winds in search of new planets to conquer. That is what his tweeted “IM HERE FOREVER” could mean, in which case we’ve all got a lot to be scared about. I suppose we should also be scared of the former possibility, that a terrible new terrestrial incarnation of Justin BIeber is in the offing, perhaps as a rapper or an actor. Either way, it’s not good. But do we really think that JB is retiring retiring? Even if he said so on Twitter? That seems unlikely. This is some kind of marketing plan, it has to be. That or Justin really has drunk the blood of the ancients from the sacred llama’s skull and will soon take residence in his palace high in the Andean clouds, from which he will rule us as a cruel and capricious god, for ten thousand years. Either way, we’re doomed. [Daily Mail[2] ]
Interesting. We learned earlier this month that Keri Russell, hair queen of the 1990s, has parted ways with her husband of seven years. And now the rumor is that Russell is dating her costar on The Americans, British actor Matthew Rhys. Hmmm. What started this rumor? Well, the two were spotted having “an intimate lunch” together at ABC Kitchen in Manhattan, and some sort of eyewitness (the PR person for ABC Kitchen perhaps?) told Page Six, “They were so touchy-feely, drinking and laughing.” Interesting. Rhys is single, and has been single for some time. In the past Rhys has said things in interviews like, “I am lucky in a way because I am still single — much to my mother’s fury — so I can embrace the gypsy lifestyle [of an actor] and enjoy it." And in another interview, “My mother’s despairing . . . but, yeah, I do enjoy the single life. Also I haven’t met her yet, so . . . until then . . .” Again I say hmmm. Let’s break this down. A 39-year-old confirmed bachelor who has twice mentioned his mother while answering interview questions about dating was seen laughing and drinking with Keri Russell at a restaurant in Manhattan in the middle of the day. What does that say to you? Does that say that they’re dating? It might! Maybe it does say that to you. But to me? It says something different. That’s all. I just read “Nearly 40-year-old actor who talks about his mom a lot had fun lunch with Keri Russell in New York City” as something else. Oh well. Different strokes for different folks, as they say. That’s all. [Page Six[3] ]
Oh lord. Miley Cyrus’s new video for “Adore You” has been released and, as predicted (third item)[4] , the Internet is upset with it. TMZ’s offshoot site Fishwrapper calls it “basically porn." Which might intrigue some of you enough to actually watch the dang thing, but I fear you’ll be disappointed. Because “porn,” as I know it at least, usually has to involve the showcasing of naked private parts and/or some sort of sexual activity, doesn't it? And this video features neither of those things. Sure it is suggestive of a naked body, as Miley slithers and writhes under a bedsheet, but she actually puts clothes on midway through the video, which I don’t think usually happens in porn? Maybe it does in some kind of niche porn, “dressy porn” or something. (“Did you see the new dressy vid? Oh man, halfway through, this chick puts on full bloomers and a hoopskirt. It’s hot. When she puts a burlap waistcoat over her whalebone corset, that’s the money shot dude.”) But this video is not that. It’s a moderately sexxxy music video in the vein of many, many music videos that have come before it. Where was Fishwrapper when Madonna was doing all those Bedtime Stories music videos that were all this, essentially? Oh, right, the Internet was barely a blip far out in the nether regions of our imaginations back then, so there was no Fishwrapper, but still. All this Mileyshaming is ceasing to be offensive and is now just boring and dumb. A 20-year-old suggestively wriggling around in a bed is not a reason to call out the porn police. I know porn when I see it, and this is not it. This is a music video. Welcome to the ‘90s, everyone. [Fishwrapper[5] ]
Arnold Schwarzenegger bought his son a Jeep for Christmas. No, not Patrick. And not the other one either. The other one. The one we just found out about a little while ago. The one who lives out in Bakersfield. That one. Schwarzenegger nicely bought the lad a hard-top Jeep for Christmas and delivered it to him on Monday, much to the boy’s delight. So that’s nice, that Arnold is playing at least some kind of a role in the kid’s life. It might just be an annual Jeep delivery, who knows, but it’s something! Unfortunately the teen can't drive the thing yet, because he doesn't have his license. But when he does, man is he going to be doin’ doughnuts all over Bakersfield in that sweet truck. Twirling and twirling and twirling under the desert stars, grateful like never before for the curious accident of his life, maybe more aware of his own strange fortune than the rest of us are of ours. Maybe that’s the true gift, right there, that true knowledge, that awareness. So spin on, future kid. Kick up the mud and dirt of this world, revel in its beautiful grit and imperfection. Take the hard top off and take in the majesty of our miraculous creation. [TMZ[6] ]
I’m sure that yesterday was a lovely day for many of you. Spending time with family or friends or both, opening presents and eating good food and feeling warm and cozy and confirmed, secure enough for the time being in the life that you’ve made and had made for you. But, I’m afraid, no matter how enjoyable your Christmas Day was, it did not, nor will it ever, compare to that of the royal family of Great Britain’s. That was a day spent engaged in much revelry and fanfare, as Us Weekly’s schedule of events leads us to believe, anyway. The festivities began at 5 o’clock the evening before Christmas, when all gathered in some sort of parlour for tea and exchanged “gag gifts.” For most of us commoners, a gag gift is probably something like a goofy pair of socks or a silly hat. But for the royal family, it’s something much different. “Mummie, Uncle Edward’s given me Burma! I don’t want ratty old Burma!” a young Queen Elizabeth cried one year, for example. When Harry was a boy, he was given the deed to Sarah Ferguson’s house. So yes they are japes, but they are far bigger japes than you or I could ever imagine. After that the children were ushered upstairs and it was time for the adults to have a formal black tie dinner in the dining room, where one guest was murdered and an elaborate mystery had to be solved. Then the women excused themselves and the men had port until they were red in the face and reenacted particular carnalities from their Eaton days. The next morning, bloated and hungover and covered in Corgi hair, everyone stumbled over to church at about 11, then enjoyed a buffet of carved turkey meat and other delicacies. That was followed by a group huddle around the telly to watch the Queen’s Christmas address (“People of Britiain! You have all deeply shamed me this year. I can hardly tell you apart from the Americans anymore”), and then there was another formal dinner a eight. During all this baby Prince George was sort of in and out, appearing occasionally but not present for the entire duration. In fact, on her way out of church, Duchess Kate was asked by some common lady where the baby was, and Kate said that he was home playing with his wrapping paper. Prince Harry was also in that greeting line and was asked about his beard, that glorious, fiery thing[7] that has captured the world’s attention. Someone in the crowd asked when Harry was getting rid of the beard and Harry laughed and said he was keeping it for the time being because it was “royal tradition.” The commoner then said “No, I’m talking about Cressida!” and was then quickly dragged away by Yeoman Warders and thrown into the Tower. So doesn’t that all sound like a grand Christmas? Far more exciting than our grubby little days, certainly. But, hey, that’s the royal life for you. One minute you’re greeting the adoring public outside of church, the next you’re receiving some long ago plundered Mesopotamian artifact as a gag gift. It’s quite a life, I tell you. Quite a life indeed. [Us Weekly[8] ; Page Six[9] ]
References
- ^ it was last week (www.vanityfair.com)
- ^ Daily Mail (www.dailymail.co.uk)
- ^ Page Six (pagesix.com)
- ^ as predicted (third item) (www.vanityfair.com)
- ^ Fishwrapper (www.fishwrapper.com)
- ^ TMZ (www.tmz.com)
- ^ glorious, fiery thing (www.vanityfair.com)
- ^ Us Weekly (www.usmagazine.com)
- ^ Page Six (pagesix.com)
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